The road to the first ceremony was a long one. My interest in Ayahuasca all started after I saw the documentary: "The Spirit Molecule". The movie had been sitting on the downloads list for days..one night I found myself bored and nothing better to do so I watched it. I was blown away. I was more than intrigued. I wondered, How come no body told me about DMT before? I was shocked
So I did my research on DMT which eventually led me to Ayahuasca. I started to talk to everyone I could, do research, I was kind of obsessed. I became very focused on researching the plant online and asking anyone who I thought might know about it, if they had done it or knew where to find it. Most of the hippy friends I was certain to have done it denied knowing about it or having the desire to do it. Most of them have done acid numerous times, shrooms, etc, yet they all thought I was nuts to want to do Ayahuasca, especially since I had never done any hallucinogen before. Even pot made me feel loopy, paranoid, and claustrophobic; but I didn't care what anyone was warning me. I knew this was my destiny to try it. As I read more about it, I thought I could only get to it by going far, like to another country, but soon found out there were underground ceremonies that took place right here in my country.
I researched all over the net and found a guy who was very active in my country in a group that does religious ayahuasca ceremonies.. This guy invited me multiple times to ceremonies in the desert but they were Brazilian style, daytime events with the influence of Christianity and I was scared I was delving into something pagan. I looked at the material and there was compulsory chanting involving like songs praising mother mary; I knew intuitively that was not for me. Eventually the summer months start to pass and I was headed towards fall. I felt I was losing opportunities because soon it would be winter, and thought there would be no way to find a ceremony because they all took place outdoors till the spring.. My excitement started to wane; it seemed like an unattainable fantasy.
I then found out an orthodox Rabbi that offered ibogaine in Jerusalem…I went through a lot of trouble to find this rabbi. He was a well known leader in the community, has a yeshiva and wore a black hat! He told me all about the iboga, the cost was super high and the effects very harsh lasting 3 days and making you ill. I was scared. Then the rabbi told me he was leaving the country and would not be coming back for 4 months. I told myself that I couldn't force what was out of my control and that perhaps I would have to wait till spring to get an experience..that is, if I would find something suitable.
Part of the reason (there are so many) why I wanted to do Ayahuasca, was to heal my body..my immune disorder, to get rid of my caffeine/soft drink addiction, and ultimately to heal my mind. I had so much PTSD and anxiety in my life and I wanted to start moving forward. I had heard wondrous things about this plant healing people in mind body and soul and I decided no matter how hard it might be I needed to confront this fear before it was too late and there was no turning back. Eventually in December I got a call from someone telling me about this Peruvian style group that did bi-monthly ceremonies and I decided to take the plunge.
I felt sick for days not knowing what to expect. I had felt ill even though I was following the diet. On the mandatory Ayahuasca diet I couldn't eat lots of things I normally eat, and everything tasted bland, & imbalanced. The day before the ceremony it felt like I ate something rotten-but i didn't! i was hardly eating and what i did eat was so devoid of anything filling or taste. i guess it was my discomfort and also nerves. I was so afraid to go- worried about medications I may have taken interacting, foods i may have eaten that weren't ok for the spirit diet..and paranoia of police finding out (thanks to a buddy planting negative thoughts into my head psyching me out), plus I was hiding from my boyfriend who didn't know I was doing it ..lastly spiritual fear of Gd being angry at me for doing something perhaps questionable. I felt like I was preparing for Yom Kippur, the day of atonement multiplied by 100. But I son't think it wasn't pure fear, it was a lot of awe of what I knew I was stepping into intuitively.
The weather was terrible here that Thursday night. Snow and rain, closed roads..two acquaintances of mine were supposed to come but canceled last second. it was just as well. I got into a tiff with one of these friends and I felt like he was exuding negative energy. I took a taxi to a near by city to meet with my ride. was expecting some 30 year old punk druggy and instead it was a very serious older man, a dentist. he told me on the way that we would pick up his friend who turns out to be a psychologist-and a fellow hypnosis partner. they both look to be in their 50's and have grown children and married. we had conversations up on the ride till the house about previous experiences with other drugs and what we hoped to gain from this experience. This was the dentists second time, and the psychologists first, although he admitted doing psychedelics on a trip to India as a young man 30 yrs ago.
We get to the house, enter to the big living room filled with around 7 people including us. There was a fire burning in a furnace near the door and the room was filled with mattresses. the guide asked me where i wanted to sit and i decided to sit near the window in the back. Later I regretted this mistake; I was so so horribly cold for half the night. We all socialized a bit before and was getting great vibes from everyone, the vibe was so friendly...easy... I have never felt so comfortable around a group of people so immediately in my entire life. There was no ego in the room, no judgment, it felt serene, holy and open.
Bet I was still really nervous.
THE CEREMONY
We started the ceremony. the fire was burning, the lights went out and we started to drink... the guide started with a Jewish blessing on the drink, and through- out the night sang songs like shalom aliechem (the prayer Jews say on Friday night welcoming the angels shabbat angels) "melachai hamlachim" i can still hear him chanting it was so beautiful. he played at different points with this instrument and that night I couldn't tell if it was in my head or it was real...because i couldn't see it but it sounds like a long ping sound, like maybe one of those large bowl instruments... he also sang these ancient songs from the jungle (called Icaros) and included a little instrument that made a noise-like pebbles shaken in a box that reminded the dentist he said of the rhythm of galloping horses...it put us into a trance. we were asked to go to sleep till the medicine would start working. I was so restless and cold. I lay there in the dark a long time not knowing what to expect, waiting, wishing hoping. i heard the most grotesque noises. and the people started with these dramatic yawns, even some eventually puking. I didn't feel much but the incessant urge to pee. i went every 5 min. I don't know if it was nerves or it was part of the purge.
I didn't see much, so I couldn't tell if I was imagining it but the room started to look fuzzy a bit like a tv that couldn't find a channel, like one of those black and white tvs with the bunny ears from the 70s. And then I saw it! A floating image appeared suddenly as if a switch went on in front of me in an instant! A bright blue eye with black mascara applied to the bottom (a common theme of intense eyes and black makeup -and many eyes in general during my journey) At this point I didn’t know if I was imagining the eye because of the darkness of the room or if the medicine was starting to work. But it was there, ahead of me floating, with its real electric energy floating in space above forehead away!
Then the guide asked the room-who wants another cup..so i ran to his area and asked him what to do and he said that I needed to drink more, that sometimes the first time you need more then one cup to break through, because initially the brain is fighting off the mode of thinking. So I drank another cup. that was 1 am( and the whole story ended at 4) I remember when i started to feel really trippy it was 2 am.
So after drinking the 2nd cup, don't know for sure how long after, I started to laugh, and I realized, this was it, I was becoming one of these animated people around me! I heard the guide call my name can u hear me? are you ok?"he asked. And then I laughed and giggled trying to contain myself, 'yes i said, I'm very happy" I was yawning (and so was everyone else) in this massive grandiose way. Almost in a drunken stupor but still alert in a self aware way. I remember being so thrilled and shocked that the visions started to actually come. I was tickled with happiness. Just grateful and in awe.
The psychologist laying across from me was being very vocal. It was hard to concentrate. I kept losing my visions. He kept yawning the whole time so loudly and before i even started "tripping" i was making fun of him in my head, judging him, not understanding his behavior was because of the brew..unaware because it hadn't taken full effect on me yet.
So I was yawning, and I started to see things.. foliage,,,like sheets of it,,like a 3D screensaver on a monitor, which was really my scope of reality at the moment..growing vines from below my scope of vision(was this the Ayahuasca plant ?!)..and it morphed into so many different shapes and ideas. at some point I had tears running down my face but I was not unhappy. Actually, I was thrilled! My nose also running. Was it the purge? Was it awe? the shapes-they were mostly foliage contorted into flowers. One of the first visions of flower was emanating from a curled and delicate array of what seemed to be mushroom growth, a fungus. of so many different shades of brown. It almost looked drawn, a painting but 3d and moving. And later on sometimes neon flashing bulbs like disco sticks...
when i was at my peak of intensity i puked. it felt so natural. i kept wondering if i really hurled or imagined it? as I threw up i could see that everything except the round mouth of the bucket was like a background of mix and matched checker board of black and white. when I threw up out shot bright mini rainbows-gorgeous contrast against the black and white background. with the mini rainbows out shot streamers, squiggles of energy. It was as if I vomited out energy! It was not a bad throw up, it was good, and it intensified the moment. After this I started to become more focused.
I kept thinking: this is me thinking, not real..and then a voice said in mantra, "Don't value the visions". I told myself: "don't think or it will disappear"-meaning if i started to define my visions i wouldn't be able to get the message, i just needed to stop thinking. then i kept telling myself to stop thinking. and then i told myself to stop thinking that i was thinking. It was an endless loop that detracted me from the show.
I also was trying to tell myself not to get annoyed by the psychologist next to me who was animated because even though he was making me lose focus part of my lesson here of course was not to judge to judge others. And to learn humility and patience.
I saw eyes alot. I mean a lot. It was a big theme, especially in the beginning. I saw eyes in my vision of pyramids. but they were not Egyptian pyramids. they were ancient and perhaps before or other worldly. these structures were made of clay. they looked like what my mind told me was aztec-ish (as if i even know what that is because all i know about Aztec is design, from fashion it was very in style last year).I knew nothing of Aztec history, as I never learned that in hebrew day school and never read about it anywhere else, never was interested. (until now!). Im not sure why I saw this. I later found out the guide brought the vine of the plant from Peru. Was the Aztec pyramids a coincidence?
The pyramids were not triangular form but boxy like- , more narrow on top and wide on the bottom & flat on top. like a triangle with the top cut off. What I later discover is a trapezoid.
I drew a picture of it. They appeared almost comical/like cartoonish with personalities…drawn, but interactive. Corner rounded. 3D like in a interactive movie but they were real characters dancing in front of me.. orange overtone. I stepped into a cartoon. another dimension. So many pyramids in the frame they were almost laying one upon another, stacked upon each other. They each had each one eye in the center of them looking very deep and black almost like an Egyptian eye- the kind you see in hieroglyphics..or the eye of providence?- drawn to have very exaggerated eyeliner. they were staring at me,,,Jovial, like they knew something, and many of them blinking from the sides peeking at me, all of them in synchrony. These pyramids, these houses, had a little character, like they sensed me, heck, they were focusing just on me!:) this is why they were there! those shapes contorted into more modern futuristic cement formations that were oddly shaped like conical piping and contorted into an ornate architectural beautiful building like a tetris game. There created another structure completely-something mechanical in a way and in these grey cement structures i saw an astronaut carved into the grey cement . its as if the shapes of the past-the aztec pyramids morphed into futuristic structures. there must be a connection. I wondered months later if I was being sent a strong message that time is circular and that maybe the aztec pyramids in some way are connected to the future.
I suddenly changed gears and saw the hairs and the roots of the hairs on my arms, the skin, and what lies underneath it.
Part of these shapes I saw contorted into blood vessels. Then i could go into the blood into the vessel and see the cells and atoms and every component. I swam through the pink and red matter of my blood and everything I am at a molecular level.
I changed gears and went to the stars. I was shooting past endless galaxies and I do mean endless spheres of galaxies which I noticed were strikely red toned-all of them- and not varied in color like I had seen on hubble space images or from voyager pics ...i remember at this point being in disbelief saying to myself, this is not real, someone, maybe it is yourself is showing you this! its too grand to just appear!
* Months later I saw a show at the planetarium in NYC where Neil Degrasse Tyson (famous astronomer and athiest) explained that the galaxies on the far edge of the universe, on the edge of everything we know to exist are red toned! And this is how they depicted those galaxies in the star show. this blew my mind to have this visual confirmed in science! Albeit by this athiest :)
And then i said show me heaven!.. and then saw -well how to describe it?...I don't know if it was a root idea or a vine theme but in the middle of the heavens what I innately understood and saw to be "in the upper part of outer space-at the edge of everything" there was a string of rock like mass floating small pieces to larger, and this formation was like an island, in the heavens, that reached from top to bottom leading up, the idea of going small to big in succession. or symbolically, like the root of a tooth . it was leading up to somewhere I couldn’t go..or even approach close to. it led up to where the heavens are..where God sits very deep within whose mass is beyond the outer realm..inside the rock masses that supported this realm were "spaces', holes,, where u could see more galaxies within that rock formation chain..before leading to the top part, to this sphere that contained a different dimension. The heavens part where I knew Gd was residing within was glowing bright white and sapphire blue. I was told and I felt/knew I knew i couldnt go further. I could not approach more. At that moment I felt like i was talking to someone,,being led around... unaware if it was the inner ME voice or another person maybe an entity was showing me around? I suddenly realized there was someone or something guiding me to these places so I told them/Me, that everything seemed so matter of fact and i was having trouble believing it to be real and not a hallucination. i wish i could draw better...so i could show you it. it just seemed too amazing for my mind to handle.
At that moment I felt such nice things about my guide. He was unassuming. Non threatening, comforting in a silent way, familiar and reassuring all together. I felt a strong camaraderie while I was under the potion with him. I felt like he was standing by me a part of the time, I felt appreciation for him and lots of love.
At some point I thought the guide was hovering above me and singing but i looked and saw he wasn't really there. Then this idea presented itself to me: that this is the comparison to God= we can't see Him but He is always there! Guiding us and watching on us.
I found I could think almost clearly to myself in this realm, that I could ask to see things. So I asked to see my deceased grandmother and my dear friend, who is much alive, Mike . Mike appeared . Mike's presence was more clear. what i saw of my grandmother was just an image, holographic as if it was "2d"..she was there but only in essence. I wondered if I had forced her image to be there or it was genuine. Mike was definitely totally there, placed inside a flower pod that was part of a great beautiful vine\ his body was enclosed in the large two petals.
The guide sang in Hebrew a song, the lyrics : "
The words to the song:
As I heard this pasuk I went through those galaxies and saw 2 other "alien" worlds. They had crescent moons. From my vantage point the moons appeared to be as big as the planets themselves. I saw their rivers and their mountains covered in a pink and yellow mist . Colors and light being chopped up and gloriously fragmented in prism pixal type shapes emanating from the rays of their moons in a crescent aura like one of those crystals prisms u look through and it shows you the world all pixalated, everything chopped colors...and i thought how beautiful these worlds were..this all the while while the guide sang "יש לי מקום" (mother earth/the universe). And I felt such intense love and connection for these worlds and the whole universe as well the world/planet I live in . Elated, I started to caress the ground, right underneath me with joy and appreciation. I felt at one with the universes and everything that is and so connected to this feeling of attachment and connection, I felt so happy I could cry. I think it may have been one of the happiest moments of my life.
As I continued to hear the shaman sing that song, In my visions I was transported suddenly back into this world; I dove, swimming, in the ocean, i was a sea lion ..and I tried to say to myself to stop this vision that it was so crazy! but it wanted to stay for some time. It was stating a truth that I was a sea lion. there was no doubt about it!.i was a sea lion swimming and diving into the cool ocean! So beautiful and free! I dove for fish and swam beautiful, bold, free, naturally and without hesitation! Nature around me no society to fear. I just felt free and at one with that animalistic identity.
(after I woke from the vision I looked up on google what is a sea lion..I never thought about this animal before. wikepedia says the Moche Peruvian ancient tribe revered the sea lions and used their imagery in ceremonies! I also found this about the sea lion/seal, which describes its character and symbolism:
http://www.shamanicjourney.com/article/6083/seal-sea-lion-power-animal-symbol-of-inner-voice
I also later read that sea lions and jungle cats (I also saw a cougar/panther-black'jungle cat & a pig ) are constant themes f in these other worlds. I saw the faces of the panther and the pig, like it was a flash of illumination. a bright picture in front of my eyes...kind of like their identities were introduced to me for a moment.
more about panther/puma/jaguar spirit animal here: http://www.shamanicjourney.com/article/6014/black-panther-power-animal-symbol-of-astral-travel-feminine-energy-death-and-rebirth
I later found out these are called "Spirit Animals". Shamans and natives revere them for their powers, others think they evolved from these animals, some think they are actual spirits and there are those who think we are being shown lessons through their symbolism.
I am starting to understand now what is behind the creatures on a totem pole:
http://www.legendsofamerica.com/na-totems.html
Part of my disturbance was not just the yappy psychologist but my own disbelief. I kept opening and shutting my eyes. It became a fun game; I found when my eyes were closed the visions were deeper and more authentic. When my eyes were closed I felt that was only then that I could really see, as if that was real life = only when my eyes were closed! I felt when my eyes were opened that I could only see half of what was really out there. I kept peering around me to see what was going on. Total disbelief. Checking to see if I was still conscious. but then would force myself to go back under the covers and close my eyes trying to dive deep back into the ocean & space of my wondrous visions. Everytime I closed my eyes I felt I regained "real" sight. I noticed also it helped to put the cover on my head it aided concentration. Now I feel like I understand what it means when people say "third eye"/ this was my third eye seeing. I also think it may have been that first eye I saw when I went under.
I was sighing, and yawning , loudly, giggling to myself (everyone else was yawning and making noises or speaking to themselves I was the only one laughing but I tried to repress it because I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad and think I was laughing at them and I didnt want to sound crazy) at some point the intensity stopped. the guide came and sealed us and spoke to us. I thought it was so weird we all came down the same time! We then all went to sleep . It took me forever, and when I finally did I woke half way thinking I was fully awake.! I saw the guide and his assistant resealing us, like another ceremony! (but i found out it never actually happened, the guide told me in the morning it was a lucid dream). During this lucid dream I looked down on my hand- it was a machine.. it was metal..it had holes punched into it and some of the holes lit up like glowed inside. I wondered after if humans were just a kind of biological robot? i was sweating profusely. even though it was cold. I definitely think it was part of the purge and that I needed to sweat out some toxins.
When we woke up I felt so calm. No fear, no anxiety. My whole body felt like a weight lifted, so relaxed and felt in an amazing space. like i just had 10 massages,, a bath, a good meal, and not a care in the world ...when we left the psychologist told me he saw me in his vision. he told me he saw me as a little girl and was searching for an older woman. When i told him i was searching for my grandmother he said that was it!
The dentist told me in his visions he saw me married with two children.
Right after I felt I was in a state of shock. I kept thinking it was all a hallucination. It wouldn't be until my second ceremony that I would get all the proof I was looking for that this was real.
UPDATE:
Its almost one year later and my mind continues to be blown.
I feel like the universe is communicating with me on a level I never was able to experience before. Its like im getting lessons I would have got from the plant but without actually doing the ceremony. Its as if Gd is "winking" at me. Feeling also levels of gratitude and feeling connected to a larger whole.
Last month my boyfriend saw an article about my Shaman and ayahausca in the newspaper. he finally said he would do it with me! a miracle! But the day we were supposed to finally go the Shaman called to say he had to cancel because he just didnt feel right, Twice in a row I planned to go and fate intervened. Was this a sign not to go back?
lastly why are there inscriptions of orion on the pyramids found? is this race from that part of the galaxy? what is the significance? are we them? maybe this is why i saw a vision of spaceships and space suits after the pyramids. im also blown away that the article says these pyramids are dating for hundreds of thousands of years ago. Kabbalistical teachings tell us this world was created and destroyed hundreds of times before us. are we going to be destroyed too? were there races smarter and more advanced than ours? are we as jews the "chosen ones" because our race will be saved? where did we really come from? perhaps we are aliens too. like maybe we are we from the future planted in the past or vice versa. possibilities are endless..
all these questions come to mind..and i just started crying...sobbing..seeing things and understanding things I never did before. everything seems like a movie. just surreal.
