This time around I took my time to document..not sure why I held off but as times passes so does the memory so I hope I remember it all well
After the 4th terrifying ceremony with the added Acacia shot before where i saw too much and was thrown into a depression i tried to go to a few therapists for advice. the first one pretty much shamed me for doing Ayahausca and the second seemed to understand but was little help. I thought of the last vision of being everything and nothing and felt totally disconnected from people. how could I love others if we are just one and simultaneously everything and nothing? were all just puppets it seemed like a farce. i also was terrified of my ego death and the thought of where i would go when i died. And i was depressed and feeling very torn also in my relationship since i couldn't share anything with my boyfriend. and tried to go several times back to do Ayahausca to confront the fears. each time something went wrong and i couldn't go. the last time i tried to go something miraculous happened; the shaman wound up canceling last second just on whim. He said his intuition told him so. i had already done the 3 days cleanse plus stopped with the Ritalin for weeks and fasted all that day. canceled work to go. I was so drained. all that work for nothing but i tried to have faith it was for the best.
i was concerned i was lacking faith and taking the easy way out. but i reminded myself that even when Isaac was attacked by Esav he prayed and then got ready for war. I am only human.
a few days later i noticed strange things around me. synchronicities. like i was being shown lessons that were too coincidental. and every-time i closed my eyes i would see the kind of visions i would see during Ayahausca sessions! the eyes, the fractals. scenes. this was really happening. it was like i was experiencing and Ayahausca ceremony in real life sober! its like the plant gave me the benefits even though i didn't go. The shaman told me once you commit this can happen. and that maybe the plant knew last time was too much and it was doing me this favor. i felt so blessed. i started to see life in another way started to understand the blessings ive been given in this world and vowed to get over my ego loss and learn to internalize what it meant to love others. I went from depressed to bliss. i felt my mind evolving. I took the plunge and broke up with my boyfriend. it wasnt easy, i was scared how that would hit me financially. i had to pay so much money when he left ...he took my dog but i was determined to use the faith in God, myself and the universe to be strong.
Right as we started to break up i started to get sick again. i started to get sick all the time for the past 3 months. viruses, strep infections, etc...i felt so desperate my dr said my blood test showed my immune system was weak. he thought maybe from the break up. i didnt want to go back and do Ayahausca again but i felt it would be the best since i didnt know what else to do. i found it terrifying to be suddenly alone and sick again all the time. there was only one session left till my shaman would go abroad for months so i decided in the end to partake.
when i got to the ceremony i was shaking. this time they had us sign a consent form. it was in a new place, in a huge tent in the north,,,really beautiful. more people present. more serious. more rules.
before i even drank i closed my eyes in prayer. flashed in front of my eyes a vision of green serpent fractals. I winced. Why would i be seeing things before i even drank? My friend who was with me asked if i was ok..i said yeah im just scared. Turns out that vision was the vision of most of the content of the ceremony- a green serpent! Like I said, there is no space and time. Mind. Blown.
I decided to just drink 2/3-3/4 cup and that if i wanted more i would drink at the second cup call.
My visions were pretty head on i could feel myself hyperventilating. I saw the serpent theme it was menacing to me, tried to turn it into light visions and laughter but the serpents changed into cackling smiles like an evil clown. i saw a vision of a white flower, maybe a lotus..and tried to keep it light but it wanted to turn brown . this concerned me. i thought perhaps i was being shown a dichotomy that everything in this world is both dark and light ( a friend tells me later flower beng turned to brown symbolizes cleansing)
as i was going under i remember thinking "Everything matters. Nothing matters". this made me laugh in a sober chuckle. i am not sure what that means.
i kept trying to make the visions bright but they were menacing. i was transported to a world with a wall of grey stones. out from the stones slithered worms with heads of entities they tried to come at me and i said thanks but no thanks stay away. i then was transported to a world where i was on the sea shore. from the sea came at me these entities propelled from their ships. they lunged at me. They had the bodies of Pez dispenser looking things and the heads of puppets. something like King Friday on Mr rogers neighborhood. They each had crowns and their own appearance..some beards some mustaches..they came at me and as i deflected them i saw out shot worms.
I was pretty scaredand felt bombarded. I definitely didnt want to drink more.
I started to be taught lessons. about what i take in my body and mind and soul. I was told to be open minded (puke). to be humble (puke) . let go of control (puke). to filter what i take in my field (puke) to be discerning (puke). each time i was shown a lesson i puked. I was shown a movie like a pictorial of what happens when i let crap into me..i saw my stomach and in pouring bad drink. i saw how sex can polute too. actually saw myself getting screwed internally and how the sperm was like feces polluting my insides. i felt as if when it came to the sex lesson i was getting off easy this time..
i was shown my facebook news feed and how ideas of negativity can pollute my energy. i was told that if i wanted to cleanse my intake i needed to see love in everything no matter what and that i needed to give people the benefit of doubt that for every comment someone made that seems bad they could have a thousand possible reasons in their mind why its not etc..but i also learned that what i let in was perspective and if it is truly bad to deflect it. and that the love i take in defines my reality. so by choosing to see love i create a loving positive reality. sounds loopy but that's what i learned ! :) I am what i take in! that anger could become me as much as love so i needed to find positive.
i got the understanding that i seek out nasty men because i have them figured out. and that sometimes "simple" looking men were the most complicated because they knew the truth internally and didnt need to resort to aggression. I am still processing that lesson.
After learned the lesson about sex i was shown my stomach with a fetus. I was told that what i put in my body will affect the child i would have and i need to protect it. it wanted to go to my traumas regarding childbirth but i said no, this is too much and it stopped the movie.
I saw an organic machine looking like arm with eyes on it come at me to "fix" me ...as it came to enter my mouth i got scared and told it i dont know...maybe you should go away. I found out later from the shaman this is called "an intention machine" built through prayers. not just mine but others over time before me. I still hope i was healed even though i was scared and pushed it away.
i also understood that we are so lucky to be in this world, in this program. We are so blessed. this is the endless love God is showing us, that from the grace he gives us life. and its only in this world with this unique setting we can actually evolve. in the spirit world we remain stagnant...but here on earth we have the freedom of choice and the ability to have our spirits evolve. this blew my mind. what an opportunity! i felt so blessed to be alive you have no idea. i wandered around the campsite just in awe looking at the trees and the view of the mountains. Its always a wondrous thing to go into these dimensions like a living dream then shot back to this matrix reality and the super cool program of a world we live in. i realized its only in this program of a world we live in can we expand our consciousness through trials. what an amazing opportunity. so much blessing.
as soon as i accepted these lessons the medicine kind of teetered off suddenly. i still saw pretty visions but no more scary visuals. i tried to dance to the music my whole body moving and partake in the circle.
Was told the next morning by the Shaman's girlfriend that the Ayahausca takes the form of a serpent!
